My reaction to learning J’s desire to transition M2F. My questions, J’s responses:

“What?” I scream the word.

J: A look of apprehension and sadness.

Then, from me, came a flurry of questions:

D: “Are you gay?”

J: ” No.”

D: “Have you had sex with men?”

J: A look of unease.

D: “Have you told anyone else?”

J: A look of unease.

D: “What does this mean?”

J: A look of anger at my questions.

D: “Are you interested in men?”

J: “No!” he begins to pace.

D: “Why are you with ME?”

J: No answer.

D: “You have lied to me all of this time?”

J: “I didn’t mean to.”

D: “Does anyone else know?”

J: Head nods ‘yes’.

D: “Do you know how this makes me feel?”

J: A look of exasperation.

D: “Have you gone out in public dressed as female? Where?”

J: Head shake, ‘yes’, “private events”.

Then, J tore the wig from his head, and threw the 3 inch heels across the room, saying….”You should have known!”

When I look back at that evening, when J told me, and remember the confusion I felt, as my mind went in a shocked, whirlpool spin. Coulda, shoulda, — but I had no clue!

If J gave any words of reassurance, I didn’t hear them. When I look back, I only remember his anger at my questions and non-acceptance. I realized later, that telling me was probably the hardest thing he had ever had to do.

I cried until there were no tears left — Then, I decided I had to try to understand what it was he was saying. What did this mean? Why did he want to do this? Ultimately, I needed to know where I stood in it all. Did I mean anything to him? What did this mean to our relationship? Could I stay? Should I stay? I know many women would have left. I felt our relationship was too important to give up that easily.

I embarked on my own journey and asked questions that ultimately only I could answer.