My reaction to learning J’s desire to transition M2F. My questions, J’s responses:
“What?” I scream the word.
J: A look of apprehension and sadness.
Then, from me, came a flurry of questions:
D: “Are you gay?”
J: ” No.”
D: “Have you had sex with men?”
J: A look of unease.
D: “Have you told anyone else?”
J: A look of unease.
D: “What does this mean?”
J: A look of anger at my questions.
D: “Are you interested in men?”
J: “No!” he begins to pace.
D: “Why are you with ME?”
J: No answer.
D: “You have lied to me all of this time?”
J: “I didn’t mean to.”
D: “Does anyone else know?”
J: Head nods ‘yes’.
D: “Do you know how this makes me feel?”
J: A look of exasperation.
D: “Have you gone out in public dressed as female? Where?”
J: Head shake, ‘yes’, “private events”.
Then, J tore the wig from his head, and threw the 3 inch heels across the room, saying….”You should have known!”
When I look back at that evening, when J told me, and remember the confusion I felt, as my mind went in a shocked, whirlpool spin. Coulda, shoulda, — but I had no clue!
If J gave any words of reassurance, I didn’t hear them. When I look back, I only remember his anger at my questions and non-acceptance. I realized later, that telling me was probably the hardest thing he had ever had to do.
I cried until there were no tears left — Then, I decided I had to try to understand what it was he was saying. What did this mean? Why did he want to do this? Ultimately, I needed to know where I stood in it all. Did I mean anything to him? What did this mean to our relationship? Could I stay? Should I stay? I know many women would have left. I felt our relationship was too important to give up that easily.
I embarked on my own journey and asked questions that ultimately only I could answer.
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