“Bicapable” — Not Bisexual, Gay or Lesbian…A new term for a hetero female or male cisgender who stays with their partner after transition.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?  “bi-capable”

In my situation as a heterosexual female, I realized that when “he” became “she” our sex life would change. How would I handle what essentially would become a lesbian sexual relationship? We had been together going on seven years. I loved this person. I didn’t want to leave. I found myself questioning my own sexual orientation…and I wondered if I stayed, would we still find pleasure and satisfaction in our sexual relationship? If we did, did that mean that I was lesbian? bisexual? It is a question I have learned that most heterosexual cisgender persons (female or male) ask themselves when faced with their partner’s transition.

I must say, that I believe it is essential that one understands their own sexual needs. That is why this question is so individual and personal. I questioned if our sexual experience together as a couple had been satisfying to me and what made it so? After much soul-searching, I came to the conclusion I was not lesbian and I was not bisexual. I was “bicapable”.

What do I mean by “bi-capable”? I mean that with THIS person, THIS partner whom you have established a sexual relationship with, as a “he”, or as a “she”, and with whom you have a ‘history’, you may be capable of a gratifying sexual intimacy/relationship to each others mutual satisfaction, even after transition and sex reassignment surgery, because you know and understand each other’s needs. This you would be capable of, even though you know that in any other circumstance presented with a lesbian, or gay, sexual encounter you would have no interest. This is what I mean by ‘bi-capable.”

So many variables make up one’s own ability to enjoy being with another person in an intimate way. A consensual relationship, it’s no one else’s business but that of the two of you, how you express your sexual nature when together. In any relationship, it is the couple that defines what that is. Self-exploration, curiosity, and experimentation can contribute to your personal growth, and the growth of a relationship if done with self-awareness, consent, and care for another person. Talk to your partner about your needs, likes, dislikes, and be honest, and sensitive to the other’s needs. You might be surprised at what you discover about yourself, and them. Could you discover you are a lesbian? Maybe. If male, could you discover you are gay? Maybe. Perhaps you are bisexual. But you may come to realize that by nature, you are heterosexual. It is just in this particular circumstance, with this particular person, in this particular circumstance and relationship, you are bicapable. I welcome your thoughts.

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One thought on ““Bicapable” — Not Bisexual, Gay or Lesbian…A new term for a hetero female or male cisgender who stays with their partner after transition.

  1. I loved J and our relationship was important to me. How would I feel when "he" became "she"? Others would ask often with a smirk, "What happens when he doesn't have the parts?" It was a question I had to ask myself, and one which I needed to explore. How important is his male physicality to me? How would it functionally change our sex life? Could I find sexual satisfaction in such a sexual relationship? I had children, so it wasn't about reproduction. What was it about?
    Adjustment_disorientation ran rampant in my head — but I needed to find the answer for myself, setting out on my own journey of self-discovery to learn if I was even "bicapable".

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