Blog

The transparent window on a dark closet’s wall… over 10,000 views and counting…

Thank You! from me to you, for your participation in my blog, if only by viewing.  I know how difficult it is to ‘come out’…your view has been enough to keep me writing in an effort to share my story. I hope it helps you.

Writing about a subject that for many people is still ‘behind closed doors’ in the US, I am gratified to find, blog views have been coming in from all around the world: UK, Russia, Canada, China, South Korea, Ireland, Germany, France, and South America. This has motivated me to keep writing and to share my story.

When I give public open mic readings to audiences of the ‘average man/woman on the street’ I have often been approached by people who say, “My brother did that,” or, “My wife left me for a woman.”  Or, “I know a person at work that changed.” Most end their statements with “I don’t get it,” but each wants to talk.  I learn their interest is more than curiosity, there is a desire to understand.  To me, this is proof that education, information, and conversation needs to be had.

I hope, ultimately, the inquiries show a willingness to want to know, to change old ideas, and adjust perceptions.

Thank you for sharing your views!  Your views are encouraging a transparent window into what has been a dark closet’s wall!

#change #acceptance #transgender #transsexual #M2F #F2M #teentrans #parents #transkids #family #significantother #making_a_difference #cisgender #secrets #behindcloseddoors #startingover #whatnow #mywriting #mystory #comingout #hope

Transgender Support Looks Like This —- Significant Other/Cisgender support looks like — ?

Where do you go to find answers?  

I must applaud a great article called “This Mongrel Land.” It is available in the sidebar link. It delineates well the needs of the transgender person. I encourage everyone – particularly the cisgender, the family member, friends of the TS who are watching and going through the TS transition, to read it. For the curious, man or woman-on-the-street, who want to know more and be socially correct, this article gives a good overview.

While most articles focus on the needs of the TS, we must not forget that the cisgender, or significant others, wives, children, family members, and friends are transitioning too. Watching the TS transition can test the mind, spirit, belief systems, …and as we watch realities morph … We come to realize TS transition isn’t a singular one-sided process. That is why I am sharing my story. Through information and knowledge we can all transition and grow from the experience.

#trans #transteen #parent #cihld #transgender #LGBT #support #transition #curiousonlooker #M2F #F2M #change #physicality #mindandbody #making_a_difference #makeadifference #understanding #gay #lesbian #hetero #pronouns #BeAnAlly #AboutYou #YouMatter

Seeking support – Physicians, counselors, and….the BDSM community? How might this fit in?

One might think why the BDSM community? Within many BDSM (bondage, dominance, sadomasochism) organizations, the term “safe, sane and consensual” guides the participants. I realize that the first thing that probably comes to your mind is the vision of leather-clad females cracking whips at a male in shackles.

While that can happen, it is a stereotype.

This community venue can provide a much larger stage for the transgender, or transsexual person.  Open to diversity in thinking, role play and what is termed ‘power exchange,’ the BDSM community may provide a safe place for some to act out what I will call “fantasies of self” in a non-judgmental/accepting and most importantly, a SAFE environment. “Safe” has the additional caveat of meaning “confidential” “private” and #consensual….

At organization events, it is possible to ‘try the desired new self ‘on for size'”. Dress in costume (e.g., dress as M2F or F2M), role play in the gender one wants to be, practice voice and gestures/behaviors, and participate in what is called “power exchange”. An explanation of power exchange, can be leaving the “male dominant” role for a few hours as one acts out, or explores, a “female submissive” role, or a female dressing as a male, and role playing, or “acting the part”, among others who actively support through improvisation. At the same time, it is not encouraged to use BDSM play as “therapy” … rather exploration of self.

I will state here that before engaging in this activity, research for an organization that supports ‘safe, sane, and consensual role play’!! I believe that most groups require a participant to be 21 years of age or older. Review the organizations charter before joining, to see if they stress ‘safe, sane, and consensual play’, and if there are daytime/weekend group introductory meetings, attend one before you join or go to an evening event. Many can give you an on-line informational link before you attend any group intro meetings. You might check the Angelfire.com site on line which lists #BDSM, #fettish and #kink groups by State within the U.S. J and I found groups in San Francisco supportive to the #trans.

#roleplay #privacy #kink #BDSM #fettish #trans #safesaneconsensual #safe_sane_consensual #powerexchange #role_reversal #selfexploration #acceptance

Life Happens

Do you stay, or do you go?

Life happens. Posting in a tweet today, I couldn’t help but think about this statement. We can’t control what happens to us or around us in life. We can try to control how we handle it. I could have done what some suggested “Run, run fast. You didn’t sign up for this.” But I chose to stay, and took the journey with Jack, and tried to learn by the experience.

In the process I discovered a lot about the trials that others have in life that otherwise, may never have come to my attention.I also learned a lot about myself. If I could re-do it with what I know now, the journey for both of us might have been much easier.

I am grateful for what I learned, and I hope that I can effectively, at some point, through #mywriting, share what I learned with others. #change #trans #TG #significant_other #cisgender #LGBT  and trying to #making_a_difference

“Coming Out” — or, “Will I pass?” Confidence is Key!

Confidence is key!

The question every #TS has at some time whether it is a M2F or F2M. “Will I ‘pass’ when I go out in public?”

You dress, you look into the mirror, and the image before you is the best you can do.” “I’m ready.” You say to yourself. Then you take the chance, and you open the door, take a chance, leave the house, and go out in public. Deep down you are wondering if you will pull it off.

Will the person you pass on the street see you M2F, as female? or F2M, as a male? or, will some way you look, sound, or move, give you away? After all, this is new to you. You have not had a chance to perfect it yet. …. but you do it.

Confidence is key!

“It seems to be working.” you say to yourself. “It seems no one guesses what I have gone through to get here, in this moment.” You feel you are managing to ‘pass’. “What’s next?” you think to yourself. You head for the Ladies/Mens Room.”  Read the chapter in my book, “Coming Out”

#coming out #fear #confidence #success #M2F #F2M #trans #Ladies #restroom #Mens #TeenTrans #crossdresser how did you handle this difficult challenge? Please share your success story, tips, how-to, words of encouragement. Mostly, #words_of_encouragement  #personalvictory

“You should have known!” J shouted. What clues had J dropped like breadcrumbs on the forest floor? (Music Video in sidebar)

Coulda, shoulda – but I didn’t.

When J came out expressing his desire as M2F, he shouted, “You should have known!”  Coulda, shouda, but I didn’t.

How would I have known? I questioned myself repeatedly…what clues had J dropped like breadcrumbs on the forest floor?  Then I remembered the tube of lipstick on the bathroom counter that wasn’t mine; and,the Pussy Tourette CD I frequently saw lying on top of the CD player. (View U-Tube video in sidebar.) Had these been clues left for me to discover? Perhaps– But how could I have known? The question I could not answer.

Do you leave clues, hoping your significant other will catch on? What are they? #M2F #F2M #PussyTourette #music #clues #secretlife #significant_other #LGBTQ #TG #trans #communication #change #authenticself #honestythebestpolicy

#TeenTrans, adult #Trans have you been bullied?

Remember, not everyone thinks or sees things the way a bully does.  Don’t let the bully convince you otherwise.  You question it? Come talk to me.

The news has been recounting horrific stories of bullying of and by children, and now, to the forefront, bullying of the transgender child. As a #TransTeen or TS adult, have you experienced such attitudes or attacks? Can you speak to how you handled your situations? and, if TS,or if you have a #TransTeen or TG child, how you are dealing with those that pass judgement on you/them?

To those teens, children and adults who stand up for the #TransTeen #transchild #TS #TG #LBGTQI or, others who struggle for acceptance, THANK YOU!

In support of one such ‘stop bullying’ project, (Bullies & Bystanders Project)I am informed that a new book is coming out edited by Joseph Zaccardi (Poet Laureate 2013, Marin Co. CA, USA) called “Changing Harm to Harmony: Anthology of Poems and Letters”. Book launch Nov 8, 2014 and may be found for purchase on-line. Proceeds will go to Marin Poetry Center’s High School Poetry Program which brings poetry to students and informs them of the consequences of bullying, and to Spectrum LGBT Center which promotes acceptance,understanding and full inclusion of LBGTQ people. Kudos to the Bullies & Bystanders Project!

Wishing everyone peace and safety worldwide. #TS #Trans #TG #LGBT #gay #lesbian #family #significant_other #TeenTrans #teen #child #son #daughter #mother #father #parent #attitude #disrespect #dontjudge #mylife #change #love #respect #stopbullying #inclusion #poetry

“Purging” – Keeping his Transsexual desire a secret.

Honesty is the best policy.  

As a significant other, you would think, that after time, we would ‘catch on’ that our husband or boyfriend has the desire to be female. In fact, one of the things J said to me in a burst of defensive anger, was “You should have known!” But I didn’t.

As I thought back about it, questioning myself “Why didn’t I see it?”, I realized I didn’t see it because he did so well at hiding his secret.

The only “physical evidence” I had ever seen in six years was a tube of lipstick laying on the bathroom counter that wasn’t mine. When I asked J, “Where did this come from?”. Wondering why another woman had been at the apartment, his response had been that his ex had stopped by to talk with him, and she must have left it. I did not pick up on the fact that when he took it from my hand, J tossed it into a drawer, instead of the wastebasket.

It also came out that J did what he said was a common practice for the M>F trans keeping his secret. He would purchase makeup and clothing when he had the need to dress as female, commonly use business trips which he took out of state 2 or 3 times a year, for this practice. He would “purge” before he came home, disposing of all of the womanly items in an airport wastebasket. He was very careful to make sure that I never saw evidence of his M>F secret desire.

TS – Trans do you purge? Significant Other – Did you ever suspect? Did the #TSsecret go unnoticed? #TS #trans #hetero #LGBT #significant_other #woman #M2F #purge #secret_life #secrets #crossdress #teentrans

“Bicapable” — Not Bisexual, Gay or Lesbian…A new term for a hetero female or male cisgender who stays with their partner after transition.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?  “bi-capable”

In my situation as a heterosexual female, I realized that when “he” became “she” our sex life would change. How would I handle what essentially would become a lesbian sexual relationship? We had been together going on seven years. I loved this person. I didn’t want to leave. I found myself questioning my own sexual orientation…and I wondered if I stayed, would we still find pleasure and satisfaction in our sexual relationship? If we did, did that mean that I was lesbian? bisexual? It is a question I have learned that most heterosexual cisgender persons (female or male) ask themselves when faced with their partner’s transition.

I must say, that I believe it is essential that one understands their own sexual needs. That is why this question is so individual and personal. I questioned if our sexual experience together as a couple had been satisfying to me and what made it so? After much soul-searching, I came to the conclusion I was not lesbian and I was not bisexual. I was “bicapable”.

What do I mean by “bi-capable”? I mean that with THIS person, THIS partner whom you have established a sexual relationship with, as a “he”, or as a “she”, and with whom you have a ‘history’, you may be capable of a gratifying sexual intimacy/relationship to each others mutual satisfaction, even after transition and sex reassignment surgery, because you know and understand each other’s needs. This you would be capable of, even though you know that in any other circumstance presented with a lesbian, or gay, sexual encounter you would have no interest. This is what I mean by ‘bi-capable.”

So many variables make up one’s own ability to enjoy being with another person in an intimate way. A consensual relationship, it’s no one else’s business but that of the two of you, how you express your sexual nature when together. In any relationship, it is the couple that defines what that is. Self-exploration, curiosity, and experimentation can contribute to your personal growth, and the growth of a relationship if done with self-awareness, consent, and care for another person. Talk to your partner about your needs, likes, dislikes, and be honest, and sensitive to the other’s needs. You might be surprised at what you discover about yourself, and them. Could you discover you are a lesbian? Maybe. If male, could you discover you are gay? Maybe. Perhaps you are bisexual. But you may come to realize that by nature, you are heterosexual. It is just in this particular circumstance, with this particular person, in this particular circumstance and relationship, you are bicapable. I welcome your thoughts.

#bisexual #heterosexual #lesbian #Gay #bicapable #biflexible #female #sexuality #woman #significantother #M2F #TS #TG #F2M #compatibility #sex #love #partnership #sensuality #sexuality #personalgrowth #authenticself #relationships #specialcircumstance

“I have no one I can talk to. I cannot tell friends or family. They won’t understand.”

You Question What Now? What’s Next? maybe even, Why Me?

When you first learn of your husband or boyfriend’s desire to become female, you may not have had any idea at all that he felt this way. If your experience is at all like mine, you initially feel betrayed, confused, and angry. You are downright scared to death for what it all means to your relationship.

For me, I knew no one in my family or social circle would understand. There was no one I felt I could talk to. I began to try to reach out for information and education, for books, counselors, anyone who could explain it to me.

I am available to answer your questions. Feel free to ask. Please see the “where did you find support topic for other resources”. If you cannot get on the blog to post a question or comment, e-mail me. I answer all questions. Know, that you are not alone. Reach out. #SO, #significant_other, #husband, #boyfriend, #Trans, #Transsexual, #M2F, #F2M, #LGBT, #support+wife, #No+one+to+talk+to #TeenTrans #friends #family #communication #betrayal #confusion #adjustmentdisorientation